February 25th, 2011
Tees Maar Khan (TMK) doesn’t deserve to be called a work of art or creativity, it is an insult to the intellect of cine-goers. This blog-post comes two months after the film’s release so it is neither a review nor a critical appraisal of the film.
I watched the song Sheila ki Jawaani on TV today and thought of pointing out some of my observations about the Hindi film industry, which is partisan, with its camps headed by three most prominent ageing stars all sharing the same surname.
Media has already explored and filled reams of newsprint with stories of the fallout between TMK’s director Farah Khan and her one-time bosom buddy Shah Rukh Khan (SRK). It has also been written as how Farah was upset with SRK for refusing TMK (though Farah clarified that she always wanted Akshay Kumar for the role). However, when I saw the film, it looked to me like the film was conceptualised over a dinner by Farah and her best buddy SRK (I am cynical about the news reports of their fall out; especially given the timing of their newly-found-hatred tale — that is exactly a fortnight before TMK released).
Here is a recap of the discussion (with some imagination) between SRK, Farah and her husband Shirish Kunder on the unfortunate night when project TMK was born over dinner.
Farah: Yaar tujhe Sallu se dosti kar leni chaahiye. Hum sab yahi chaahte hain.
SRK: Hum sab kaun?
Farah: Hum sab matlab main, Shirish aur humare bachhe.
SRK: Hmmm. Even I want that buddy. Especially after Dabangg was such a huge hit, I would even want to do a film with him, where both of us could flaunt our six-packs and beat the baddies. Like the good old days of Karan-Arjun.
Farah: Do you seriously want to do that? Let me talk to Sallu about this (grabs her Blackberry to dial a number, to which SRK waves his hand asking her to not make any calls, Farah keeps the phone back on the dining table)
SRK: Yaar aise nahin… bahut raitaa failaa huaa hai. And now Salman has become best buddies with Aamir. He consults him for everything. Both of them are delivering the biggest hits in the history of Hindi films. Inke beech kuchh karnaa padega.
Farah: You mean Sallu and Aamir ke beech?
SRK: Yes. (Lights up a cigarette and gets into a pensive mood)
At this point, Shirish, who has idolised SRK since his childhood, quips: Sir, I have an idea of a film to poke fun at Aamir. Actually this idea has been in my head for some time. Sir, if you agree to sign the film then you can yourself bash Aamir and I have already thought of a hot item number like Dard-e- Disco, but this time I have Katrina’s six-packs in mind.
SRK stubs out the cigarette: But how will this help in creating differences between Salman and Aamir.
Shirish is left with a blank expression when Farah jumps to his rescue: Yaar aisaa karte hain ki film mein Salman kaa ek friendly appearance rakh dete hain. So both you and Sallu gang up to bash Aamir and his films. Howzzat?
SRK: Bahut obvious ho jaayega and I don’t think Salman would agree to do something like this.
Farah: Sallu ko ek gaane mein rakh lenge. We won’t tell him the entire story of the film. Anyways he never has the patience to sit through a narration. We will tell him that he will be the best part of the film.
SRK: Phir bhi ye bahut obvious hai. People will think that I have done the film out of jealousy against Aamir. My intention is to just bring Salman back on my side. Let’s do one thing. You take someone else to play my part in the film.
Hearing this Shirish starts crying: No, sir, please sir. All my life I have dreamt about making my first film with you. Please don’t do this.
SRK: Don’t worry yaar. I will be the hero of your next film. That’s a gentleman’s promise.
Farah: But what will I say? How can I make a film without you? What will I tell the world and most importantly, media ko kyaa bolungi main?
SRK: Tell them that we have fallen out and are no more friends. It will make for a good juicy story on news channels. It will be a good pre-release publicity gimmick. You can drop in the name of the film at every opportunity.
Silence follows for a few mintes as Shirish and Farah are lost in their thoughts when SRK gets up to leave: Okay you guys work on rest of the story and make sure to take enough potshots at Aamir and his films like Mangal Pandey, Lagaan, Peepli Live and his eagerness to get an Oscar award. Don’t tell Salman any of this, just get him for a song in the film and let me suggest Akshay’s name for the role that you had initially thought for me.
Farah: Are you sure? This film will be a blockbuster, are you sure that you really don’t want to do it?
SRK turns away from Shirish and Farah. They can’t see the smirk on his face.
And the rest, as they say could not become history. TMK will be best remembered for Sheila’s geography.